I had two epiphanies today. Well, one had been festering for a while and finally burst, and the other was a fresh realization. Both of them were born en route to work today, bright eyed in the chilly morn.
Why is it that unavailable men are so damn irresistible to me? I mean, even the ones I don't know are unavailable until a later point in time -- it's like my subconscious senses it. And when I discover just how unavailable they are, I immediately commence pursuit. I can't even help it.
It seems like life would be boring without that drama.
And that's fucking ridiculous.
Case in point. (If your name is Ty, you can stop reading this right now and go back to selling shoes. This doesn't concern you.) I develop a crush on an unlikely guy at work. He's got the asymmetrical green Siamese cat eyes going on. An insane laugh. The half-awkward gait of someone who grew too tall too fast. He sits outside the building on his break smoking cigarettes and reading good books. Soon after I get to talking to him, I discover not only does he have a girlfriend, but they just moved in together. Like, last weekend. Suddenly he's irresistible. And without thinking about it, I immediately go into comparison mode. I want to know all about her. Tell me. She works at a cheesy Top 40 radio station you despise? I'll talk to you about Cuban jazz. She's a little shy? I'll be the outgoing social butterfly. She's not too bright? I'll throw in all the twenty-five cent words you can decipher.
I have spent my whole life being everything She isn't -- instead of everything I am.
I don't know how that madness started. I only know that when I was seventeen, I got a sickening pleasure from buying condoms from the girlfriend of the guy I was sleeping with. She worked at CVS. She was a virgin and unwilling to relent so he exercised his sexual frustrations on me. That was fine with me at the time; he was beautiful and I felt powerful. I prided myself on being able to tear even the most faithful and dedicated boy from his monogamous relationship.
I was the lucky chameleon. Just tell me what color you want me to be and I'll shine like the Northern lights. If she's not as supportive of you as you'd like, I'll listen like my head's on fire. If she doesn't appreciate your weird sense of humor, I'll giggle like a lunatic. If she's shy and self-conscious in the bedroom, I'll drag you in by the neck and fuck your brains out on command. That technique always worked in the past. But what kind of victory is that?
When I really needed that tactic to work, it failed me. My most stunning attempt was a year ago today, but the memory of that behavior sheds some new light. I thought if I showed him my world I could get him to stay. I used my body to get what I wanted. But despite my best charms and manipulations, I left empty-handed. Which is the best thing that could have happened to either of us.
I hereby end the madness of trying to fill in the holes of other girls. I hereby fill myself. As heart-racing and blood thrilling as it is, I will resist the urge to manipulate any more boys from their dedicated relationships in order to feel powerful. Fuck that. I need to make this a public declaration because it's an epiphany, and all epiphanies are meant to be shared.
My second epiphany of the day was that I'm not taking anybody's shit anymore. It wasn't a declaration, "Okay listen -- I'm not taking your shit anymore." It was more of a backwards glance, "Wow. I haven't been taking anyone's shit anymore."
This fits with the previous epiphany quite well. It's another chameleon-shedding-its-skin moment. Or lopping off its tail -- however the euphemism goes. I've been a people pleaser all my life and that's stopping now too. I'm opening my mouth, opening it wide, and it's not to suck up to anyone.
This guy at work (a different one than the Siamese-eyed sweet I have just moments ago denounced) decided that by looking at me, he could tell I did drugs. I had spoken to him once before. Once. And based on his judgment of my appearance, he thought he could tell what kind of person I was. He decided to share this game he had on his computer where you act as a drug dealer at war with the police. This pissed me off so much, and I told him. In the past I would have been all, "cute…" even if I didn't believe it. But I said, "I don't think drugs or war are funny. And I'm offended that you would assume anything about me based on your judgment of my appearance." He was taken aback, but respected my statement and apologized. I was like, Huah! Back the fuck up! It was liberating.
It's a big day for JT.
I'm breakin out.
Nobody's going to push me around. And nobody's going to be pushed around by me. What a joyful, joyful world.
We're going to see the Frames tonight. I'm front row, stage right. I'll give a full report tomorrow. And I'm not taking anyone's shit at that show so you better keep your mouth shut if you're within spitting distance of me.
RSS: subscribe to feed