Boston, MA -- Mother nature issued a retraction on her Curse of the Nonexistent Spring today, allowing the sun to emerge after the longest, coldest, rainiest spring in 37 years, sources say.
According to a report from the Harvard Botanical Society, there will regrettably be no flowers this spring since they have been buried in freezing rain for three months.
In the city of Cambridge alone, 4,267 people called in sick to work today. Phone circuits are down, having been overloaded with people frantically contacting friends and family to organize emergency outings to the coastline.
The MBTA reports that traffic is at a standstill citywide. Backup buses were arranged to handle the increased demand for service, but 35% of the mass transit operators reportedly came down with the same unexpected bout of illness, keeping them out of work today.
According to anonymous sources, Harvard Sq. is mobbed as pedestrians form a sea of bare midriffs, crowding the streets shoulder to sunburned shoulder. Dogs everywhere are howling in latent spring fever, sniffing each others butts with wild abandon. Street performers are challenging each other to compete in hand to hand combat for limited sidewalk space.
The Boston Stock Exchange has reported that sunglass sales are up 175% today, knocking umbrellas out of their reigning spot at Store 24 locations across the greater metropolitan area.
"Holy shit -- Edith, look -- the sun's out!" reports area man.
No one at the Weather Service was available for comment.
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