Land of the Free

Consumers gather outside Starbucks in Davis Square today,
seeking comfort in free caffeinated beverages.

We live in America® Land of the Free, permanent residents on the Consumption Superhighway.

Somebody said, "There’s no such thing as a free lunch," and everyone in Boston is out to prove them wrong. Last week was National Free Cone Day at every Ben and Jerry's. Today was National Free Coffee Day at Starbucks. This morning 15 of my coworkers dug into free donuts. Let me tell you about the donuts.

At work we have a giant calendar where we post the status of all our projects. On the calendar, in the Friday square, there is always the name of whoever was pulled out of the fishbowl for the weekly breakfast ritual. And during the meeting we review all the important tasks to be taken care of, Web site going live, email being broadcast to 600,000 people. Today I am the bearer of all things sugary and sweet, and I am as important as the launch of the new Verizon site. I was the star of each meeting this week, beginning on Monday. "German language site goes live on Friday, and JT is bringing breakfast." Yeah.

My first issue is that bagels really cost about 60 cents. It is a nice thought, and kind of fun to chill with my coworkers Friday mornings and shoot the shit over free bagels -- don't get me wrong. But you should hear the passionate talk of pastries all week. I just can't wrap my head around this.

So Starbucks -- you should have seen the line there, spilling out of the front doors and down the street like they were handing out SUVs and I overhear two chatty people jumping up and down, hardly able to contain themselves, "I don’t even like their coffee -- but hey! It’s free!"

I also think there was a lack of age verification going on, and I know there’s no legal coffee-drinking age, but it reminded me of the tobacco companies marketing to kids, getting them hooked because youngsters are the perfect lifetime customers. My friend from Japan used to have little packs of cigarettes given out as free samples on the street in hopes of winning over kids. I saw the girl giving out the coffee at Starbucks, ladling out the frothy brown liquid into small paper cups, leaning toward the grade schoolers with a sly smile, "Here kids -- first time’s free."

I could understand if it was the Great Depression and Starbucks was handing out loaves of bread and toilet paper. But christ, their coffee isn't even good.

There is also the Free Swag phenomenon witnessed at concerts, when people on stage start whipping shit into the audience and everyone raises their hands, elbowing each other out of the way to grab . . . what is it? They don't even know. But it's free.

You are a target market.

And walking by Ben & Jerry's downtown last week on Free Cone Day, there was a traffic jam, as if Boston needs more congestion on Boylston St. People were double-parked, setting up a relay while waiting in line, one person saving a spot while others took a break to go to the bathroom or buy a cup of coffee.

Oh the perfect irony of consumers.

I guess I'm in a mood today. I wasn't earlier. Must be the taterdogs.