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May 11, 2005
so colin meloy called me last night.
in my dream, anyway. I was on a nubby couch in a wood paneled room. the phone rang, dim yellow lamp and some tv light. like the rec room at your parents' house. and it was colin, and he was like, do you remember me? and I was like, are you kidding? do you remember me? I sat on the side of the stage writing about you. and we talked for a while, and my father was there. he saw that I was on the phone and waved goodnight and went into the closet smiling. and I went back to talking and telling a story but colin had fallen asleep, and after a few attempts to wake him (while I thought to myself, he probably hung up on me and this is all a joke anyways) he came back with a sleepy, "no, I'm here, I'm here" and I said "fibber, you were sleeping!" it was so vivid. I awoke to snapshots of the iron horse show in my mind, the way the silver threads ran through his shirt, mingling and mixing with the article and photo from spin that I ripped out and tacked up on my wall. with strains of and you my soiled teenage girlfriend... why do you ruffle like a lioness humming in my ears. imaginary snapshots of being close enough to take off his glasses and look into his eyes, darting back and forth from one to the other, wanting to see all of it at once.
hi. um, I still want to move to portland.
so in case any of you are wondering about my saga, or give two shits about any of this emoting I do from day to day, I got jammed up about moving. (see below) things not feeling right and the like. what it all boils down to, after writing furiously with yankee hotel foxtrot as my soundtrack at k? for over an hour last night, was that I got scared. insecure and nervous and who am I and what am I doing and you can't go to portland, silly rabbit! you need to be here! except I've been here for so long... I knew at eighteen that I was saturated with new haven. and I associated awakening from my creative slumber with needing to stay here, for fear of pushing myself past the point of minor aches and pains. I've been spared from the jaws of death. what am I doing with it? what am I showing the world?
when I spot-meditate, I see a physically toned happy girl going for a run / bike ride, playing guitar and singing in the shower, reading at a slam and taping pictures to my walls. that's without thinking about it. and then I picture myself doing what I need to be doing to get there, and I'm walking through the pictures of portland in my mind, I'm going to new meetings and reading the paper on sundays with kristin over a skim mocha. I'm not driving up and down ninety five, although there are shots of working out and practicing in the apartment.
so I ask the universe this morning for confirmation / affirmation via my mp3 player. oh - the signs. I almost forgot. so I've already told you about the obvious thing. license plates are the biggest trigger for me, because you really don't see a lot of west coast plates out here. if you do, it's new mexico or california, or arizona. lots of florida and mass and jersey and new york. but there's never any oregon. like, ever. so I keep asking and I'm not getting any signs and I'm like, shit. what am I doing, where am I going... and the first night I started coming back out of it to think, should I be moving out there? there was an oregon plate on the car facing mine in the starbucks lot. and I dismissed it like when you want to buy a car and then you start seeing that car everywhere, you know? so I'm driving yesterday, behind the donovan truck I've never seen before except for this time and the last time. then I get off the exit behind a camper with a washington state license plate. then I go downtown to check out a few apartments, which are all shit. then I pull up in front of nica's (where there are never, ever any spots) and kristin calls. hmmm. and we're talking and I'm trying to work it out and as we go to get off the phone, a girl walks by with an oregon public market totebag.
hmmm. I did ask for obvious.
so this morning I give the job to my nomad. and I take a deep breath and hit the play any track button. here's the track listing.
without msg I am nothing - mclusky
norweigan wood (this bird has flown) - beatles
exit music (for a film) - radiohead
girl on a wing - shins
bad diary days - pedro the lion
south side boys - anne heaton
zion train - bob marley & the wailers
I laugh and go, are you listening? I actually say this out loud. I hit next and get girl, you've got it bad by stevie wonder. the whole song is about how she won't let him in enough to love her and how bad she's got it as a result. how she can't see past things and can't hear things and if she could just let him in just a little bit, that it would be so good.
that she'd have it so good.
that was followed up by comfort by anne heaton, with a funny live dave matthews track in between where he messes up the song and stops and laughs about it.
it's no aloha, but it works for me.
~vvb
Posted by perpetualbliss at May 11, 2005 10:02 AM