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May 09, 2005
I love kristin, bubble tea, and ed harcourt.
in that order.
seriously.
so I've been pretty fucking cranky. nothing feels right. I'm displaced and uncomfortable and dammit, I had five years today and the people that should have remembered didn't and the people that I never thought would remember did. actually, the people that didn't remember are people I'm kind of pissed off at these days anyway - so it just kind of seals the deal and makes my annoyance totally legit.
I'm driving around downtown today, looking for "for rent" signs, and I've got a headache this big. I want to just cry. new haven doesn't feel right. portland doesn't feel right. where am I supposed to be, what am I supposed to be doing, I'm more screwed up than I think, maybe I need to do another fourth step, maybe I'm about to get drunk and I don't know it. no, that won't solve anything. snap out of it. you've just got much too much time on your hands and the last three years have been varying degrees of constant change. you have A Lot Going On, remember? go home and take some tylenol and make dinner.
I do, and I do, and what do I find in the mail but a bubble envelope full of ed. yum. positive sign number one. and I go to meet donna at starbucks to head out to guilford for an eight o'clock meeting. when they ask me how I am, I tell the truth and ask what kind of tea helps for cranky. we decide on zen and calm. positive moment number two. I leave a message for kristin to see how her boat is treating her. and then donna walks in. I start telling her about my shit, expecting her to give me some speech about something I'm not doing, and she said, you know what? I'm having a shitty day too. I almost punched my boss in the face today. let's go. (and that makes three.)
and we talked and almost pissed ourselves laughing. and I realize by the end of the night that I was just a little bored and a little lonely. and that everyone understands. and that while day that marked my fifth consecutive year of sobriety was slightly anti-climactic, it wasn't all the same. I'm financially concerned, not neurotic. I'm uncomfortable, but I'm not afraid. I wanted to crawl under my bed and cry, but I made sure I ate a healthy dinner and showed up for my obligations. I called back people I didn't really feel like talking to, because it needed to be done. and wouldn't you know it, right when I've got too much time on my hands, two girls ask me to sponsor them tonight. they may not like me, and therefore may not stick around too long, but for now, it'll do.
I get what I need. I'll find a place to live. the lights will stay on and my posts will continue. and I've got new music to listen to and a new book to write about it in (thanks donna and kristin) and bubble tea to dream about and a bell to ring when I need to laugh.
oh, the bell. I'll put a picture up.
so donna gets me this little leather bound book, right when mine is starting to run out of room and I've been wondering what to do, just buy a notebook, no, I want something pretty, angst. and then there's this little box, and she's giggling when I open it. and we've been pissing ourselves talking about how crazy we are and crazy AA people and all this funny shit, and I pull a bell out of the box. a porcelain old-people chotchky kind of bell, with gold cursive "happy 5th anniversary" on it and doves and a big five inside the heart on the handle. I don't know if I'm conveying the moment enough, but I was about to bust a stomach muscle I was laughing so hard. then I took the paper out of the inside and rang it, and we almost fell out of the car, doubled over in hysterics.
maybe you had to be there.
the moral of this ever so but not quite too important all the same kind of day?
talk. out loud. to people besides your internal committee. and stop taking yourself so seriously.
aye aye, universe. loud and clear.
~vvb
Posted by perpetualbliss at May 9, 2005 10:22 PM