I have removed the NaNoWriMo participant icon from my home page. I am revisiting the value of such an undertaking under my current circumstances. My energy may be required elsewhere, and I avoid making commitments I can’t keep.
Welcome to my meltdown. Try this. Every single day for two months, go into work, uncertain if that day will be your last. Help your boss set up some appointments to interview candidates for your position, in case any of them turn out to be better than you. Hell, even scrutinize their resumes, comparing each line item to your own, hashing and rehashing old mistakes, certain that every skill you have can be trumped by the 1:00 interviewee. Then, have your boss routinely say, “We’re going to do your interviews tomorrow,” so you freak out all night and don’t sleep, and then show up for work ready for your interview, in ironed clothes, to have him say, “Actually, let’s do it in a couple of days.” Repeat that weekly. Check your pulse. Meanwhile, during this mindfuck, know that you are being judged every minute to decide your worthiness for hire, and despite not knowing if today is your last day of employment, take on increasingly difficult projects with a smile, go out of your way to do a fantastic job on everything in case that’s the example they’re using to decide whether or not to hire you, not feeling a shred of support or loyalty in your present position. Still with me? Okay, now on top of that 40 hours a week, add another part-time job in which your heart is ripped out on a daily basis as you try to save battered and abandoned animals, dealing with people who don’t give a shit about anything but their own comfort and convenience, and do that with a smile too, and be positive around others you work with because if any of you cracks and shows the desperation and futility you feel deep inside about this work every day, you’d all go down together.
Oh, and also — get rid of all your furniture and put everything in boxes in the living room floor so that you can’t walk from one place to another, or sit down to rest, despite the absolute need for something comfortable and familiar just so you can catch your breath.
And just one more thing. Add a sleeping disorder to the mix, so you’re handling all of this on about four crummy hours of sleep every night for six months.
MELT. FUCKING. DOWN.
I’ve been holding my shit together for the most part for the past month, hoping every day that some resolution would be found, and I could claim some peace. But I’m tired. I’m exhausted. And I’m slipping, my granite and ivory smile fading into sneers and non-compliance when asked to do some terrible task. I can’t remember a damn thing one minute to the next. You know how you feel when you almost get hit by a truck but then at the last minute, you dash out of the way? I feel like that all the time. My nerves are shot.
Much of this should come to an end this week — though I’ve been saying that for six weeks now. My second job, which is seasonal, ends after this weekend, so I may actually get a day off. And one way or the other, I will find out about my main job, whether my temping ends Friday or I become an actual employee (with health insurance) next week. Either way, I’m taking next week off. I’m taking lots of Kava Kava. I’m taking a meditation class, but you’ve got to be kidding me if you expect me to be able to clear this chaotic mind of mine for thirty seconds, never mind 20 minutes a day.
This week my meditation assignment is to eat one daily meal mindfully. I just had barley soup and mixed baby greens with a kalamata dressing I made from scratch. It’s amazing how little you need to feel satisfied when you pay attention to what you’re eating. Last night we mindfully went out for some of the best Thai food I’ve ever eaten. Swimming tofu. I love that things in Thai are swimming.
I have a department meeting shortly. I’ve redesigned the whole department web site — twice. I had to give two mock-ups of design ideas I came up with. One dark and wintry, one bright and spring-like. I’m betting on winter.
I hope everyone gets to enjoy a slice of fall today. We’ve got the last rays of October sunshine slicing through the amber leaves. It’s enough to almost make this crap not matter.